spritz!!spritz!!

Mon, 31 Aug 2009 04:59:23 GMT

my life hasn't been mine for the past 8 months. i wish i could do one thing without analyzing the hell out of it. the amount of grey hair on my head seems to be exponentially increasing. my fear of becoming a haggard looking 25 year old at the age of 40 seems to be opening a window sooner than i had expected.

i just wish i could go to bed without worrying. i've gone to bed some nights without any worries, but i've been drunk those nights and said "fuck my worries". i realize that i am the cause of every last one of my worries, but actually trying to tackle them and be an adult about them is something i'm proving to be quite terrible at. bad decision after bad decision and so on forever and ever. i tell myself periodically about how i need to get my shit together, but it's hard to even think about motivation when the situation you're in has beaten you down so much. i realize my problems aren't shit in the grand scheme of actual problems, but they're my problems.

it's been brought to my attention that i'm more of an asshole than i thought. i was under the impression that i had been toning it down as of late. apparently not. which is sad. i think i'm going grey because of how much i stress about the simplest social interactions, most of the time considering not being an asshole. my life is so much simpler when i want it to be. i used to say whatever i felt like. a lot of people didn't like me then, but i wasn't worried about offending anyone. sure, it's rude and uncalled for, but people aren't as compassionate as i'm giving them credit for. why should i give a fuck about their feelings? i have a lot of trade-offs that need to be considered in order to get back to that. not being free, being an asshole, but looking out for number 1. my life is infinitely more relaxed when i don't consider the concept of myself meaning anything to anyone. the tommy of yesteryear was flying solo and he was more than content with it.

i just don't know. i've never felt the way i feel right now, day in and day out. like i said, i want it to stop and i know what i have to do in order to stop it. trade offs. i can feel the grey's pushing their way through right now. i just wish work and school would blow up, so i could quietly back out and do something else.

school starts tomorrow. welcome back, academic anxiety. i missed you.

Fri, 22 May 2009 11:48:37 GMT

too hot outside. i feel like absolute shit.

Mon, 11 May 2009 19:51:12 GMT

so many thoughts in my head right now and nothing to do with them.

Tue, 07 Apr 2009 15:04:50 GMT

where to begin.

rat mask had a show on friday. it was kind of weird seeing people i haven't seen in a long time, it was nice, but weird. it went OK, nothing too terrible. i can't play fast like i used to, my arms get all swollen and sausage-y. i brought my drums back with me though, so the idea is to set them up and practice, once the basement stops getting flooded. although, i'm definitely not thrilled about all of the bugs in the basement getting inside my drums and crawling on me. that probably wont happen, but i saw a centipede down there in september.

saturday was pretty solid too. did a lot of hanging with the bonawitz's, took dan back to buffalo, played scrabble, bed etc.

for the past week or so, i've been freaking out about this presentation i had to give yesterday. i really should have started working on it much earlier, but i had kind of a busy week the week prior, whatever, excuses, blah blah blah. either way, i normally have panic attacks whenever i have to open my mouth in class, even if it's to say my name. thanks to the UB science departments, i've developed some awesome social anxiety. there are so many things that i need to tell tommy circa 2004. so naive, so dumb. anyways, the presentation went well for the most part. i fucked up a couple of times and gave weirdo commentary on said fuck ups, which would be funny to see right now. i gave the presentation to my advisor jenny before hand and she told me that the presentation aspect of it was perfect, i just left out some information, which was so fucking reassuring. i think that's what did it.

anyways, to celebrate, i went to the sad house, where mike had all kinds of wonderful beers waiting for me. i remembered last night why i drank so much last semester. it doesn't always work out that way, but sometimes when i get some beers in me after a long day, i get numb. i'm not thinking anything, i'm just sitting back and enjoying the ride. no stress. i was feeling great, then i went outside to find the ground covered in snow. somehow, my car door got stuck in the lock position, so i couldn't close it. luckily matt was able to fix it for me this morning.

once i become aware of anything, it goes to shit. second guessing every movement, every thought, every word. i just second guessed the fuck out of that last sentence. i feel as though i've been too concise lately. dan and i had a conversation the other day about being able to turn off your thoughts. i absolutely love this idea, it just seems impossible to me. it's just funny to think how i just wanted to be done with that presentation, because after that, my thoughts would all come together and i wouldn't be so confused. here i am, less than 24 hours later, already feeling like shit. it's also funny how i look to the future for better things, i think i said this in my last entry... "things will be better when..." but the more i think about it, most of the time, i look back on points in time and say "hey, that was a simpler time". i was usually unaware and happy. this is a foreign kind of unhappiness i guess. i need to adapt. expectations/potential ideas are the most destructive thing in my world. i just hate not knowing what i don't know, which most of the time turns out to be everything. diarrhea mouth/thoughts. turn it off, turn it off.

anyways, i'll figure it out, or something.

i bought pavement- crooked rain, crooked rain on vinyl on sunday. i'm pretty satisfied with the purchase. i listened to the B-side earlier today. i listened to that record all summer, so it was weird to hear gold soundz, look outside and see white.

that said, listening to pissed jeans-hope for men right now. this band can seriously do no wrong. they're playing in buffalo and syracuse, at mohawk and the westcott respectively. i'm not sure if i'm trying to go to both shows. i have a feeling that the syracuse environment would be waaaaaay better. ie. on the floor, not at mohawk, not in buffalo.

Thu, 02 Apr 2009 17:34:42 GMT

i don't think i'll ever grasp the concept of time and i hate what it does to me

Tue, 31 Mar 2009 13:45:19 GMT

i just typed up a whole entry of 'wah wah wah' bullshit, but when i really think about it, this is the best i've ever felt. i'm just stressed because of school, but one week from today, i wont feel that anymore, and then in a month, i'll be done for the summer. i don't think it's fair to myself that i'm always just anticipating thing x and thing y to happen and not just letting life happen.

almost exactly a year ago, it might be a year and 3 days now, i got punched in the face at the bar for being black out drunk and running my mouth to people. i still don't think the events that lead to said punch warranted a punch, but i'm thankful that it happened. i like to think that i'm in the exact opposite place i was a year ago because of it. it's nice to have the event as a reminder to keep me in check and not be a piece of shit to people, and to appreciate them.

the sun is shining and i think today it's going to be a wonderful day. that said, i'm still confused, but optimistic.

Tue, 10 Feb 2009 03:50:58 GMT

i wish i got what i wanted more often. maybe i need to be more accepting of possibilities in my life that aren't pipe dreams. i need to prioritize. which is better, treading water in a familiar place or taking on something new and scary? there's a rational part of me that says "fuck it, try something new", but there's this bigger, more irrational part of me that rationalizes everything better than the rational part. i can't wait to see which side is right. i haven't changed a bit since high school, i'm still as lost and indecisive as ever.

the new propagandhi leaked into my world about 4 minutes ago. one song in and i'm super confused. i didn't know james hetfield was the new guitar player.

Fri, 05 Sep 2008 04:06:26 GMT

so.................i've been back at school for the better part of 2 weeks now. it still feels a little weird, but things are going alright. i almost started off on the wrong foot, but i think i've got my shit together for the most part. i'm still going to the gym, i'm caught up on most of my work and i'm trying to figure out where i want to do research.

i've been watching more tv than i would like, but i can't really complain about that. last year, when i would watch tv, it was in short bursts because i didn't think my shitty roommates would come home, but then they did and i'd stop. but now, my roommates are fun to hang out with and they watch tv, so i watch tv with them.

i can barely keep my eyes open right now. i found a jw dundee craft pack at budweys and now i'm sleepy. i guess i kind of did have a long day, class and lots of studying.

i've really been trying to do things that i wouldn't normally do. a lot of the times i'll skip class because it's too hot and i'm worried about how hot i'll get at class or i wont go do shit that i need to do when i need to do it, but for the most part i've been staying on top of things. also, i had a salad or 2 in the past week, which is wild. this isn't news, but i eat broccoli now too. maybe someday i'll learn how to dance and become one of them hipster childs. hopefully the latter doesn't happen, but i think if i went to places and danced that i'd lose a lot of inhibitions and be happier with tommy. oh alcohol. that's an embarassing thought and/or notion, but i'll let it ride.

my days are spent chilling with the dog, laser. he's too high strung sometimes and i feel bad not paying more attention to him, but he's a dog and i'm a dude trying to live. at least he doesn't bark violently at me anymore, just at the mailman and anyone else who walks by.

jordan, bambi and i started a band within the past couple of months and things are going really well. it's really challenging. i hate it when we practice and i can't figure a part out, but it slowly but surely comes to me and then i'm satisfied with the part and all of that. it's really gratifying. i feel good about the challenge and the ultimate results of said challenge. it's cool being on the same page with people. i've pretty much only been in bands with people that are all on different pages in one respect or another and it's been nothing but awesome and equally challenging in a different manner, but it's definitely cool to have the same kind of influences for a band at least.

back to the things that are heavy on my mind. i'm going to try to be adventurous with that too. some days are more annoying than others, but i'll survive. if the little elephant in my room so to speak, is the only thing bothering me, then i think it's safe to say i'm doing alright. there's just a lot of self doubt and a smidgen of self loathing. a smidgen, but mostly doubt and nervousness.

i don't want to seem like i'm complaining. life is great. life couldn't be better. i'm content. i think that's all anyone can really ask for. unless there's some great experience i've yet to be exposed to.

also, music is awesome right now:

helms alee- night terror; dude from harkonen, couple of ladies that absolutely shred
these arms are snakes- whatever the shit that new record is called
mogwai- something about wolfs or hawks, who can remember; surprisingly better than the bulk of material they've been putting out over the past 8 or so years
young widows- old wounds
anniversary- b sides and shit; god i love this band
hot snakes- audit in progress; how in the fuck did i sleep on this record?

one more thing to make this the longest and most unecessary live journal entry ever. someone show me how to make a blog, so i can have a little bit of self respect. blogs are cool, right? my band with adam, roy and erik; burma necks has a show next friday that we're playing. it will be our first show and possibly (probably?) our last show. we're only playing 3 songs that i hope i can remember. i'm really excited about it. playing that type of music is something i've wanted to do for years and years and years and years. also, dasha played a show this weekend that i couldn't have been happier about. i wish people could hear colleen. maybe someday we'll get all the levels right.

Wed, 20 Aug 2008 00:10:00 GMT

today was my last day of work. i was pretty bummed, i've been having a blast there. i had my little routine, no one really bothered me in my lab, aside from the new girl they hired to take over my position, but she's more qualified than i am and taught me a ton of stuff. all in all it was a great experience, i met a lot of people and got experience doing some things that will be really beneficial in the future. my immediate boss made us have a party for me and she gave me a speech of sorts, which was mostly awkward, but awesome that she was stoked on the work i did. hopefully the other people there don't think i'm a douche because of it. boss lady said i could come back and all of that during the winter, which fucking rules. stoked.

went to the distillery with some people from work afterwards. pretty good day all in all. cookies, subs, beers, hugs, etc.

some things are on my mind. i think i pretty much have no idea how to communicate other than awkward words. AHHHHHH!

stoked; i got a letter in the mail from cheryl, i will read upon termination of this message.

Sun, 03 Aug 2008 06:53:25 GMT

today was an interesting day. i'm drunk. how i got drunk is pretty funny. some might say really funny, some might say not funny at all.

i rode my bike. there were like 1000 fire trucks. i had to ride my bike down a road i didn't think existed. either way, the 20 seconds spent on said ghost road was horrifying. i was looking for some familiar faces and all of that, but no dice. too dark, too drunk.

today was a weird day aside from the legitimately weird shit that concluded my evening. band practice with jordan and bambi was fucking awesome. my hands are all torn up, which is a good thing, i think. or hope. or something.

i lied today about some things. my brain has been pounding since about 8 pm. thankfully my weird night kind of took my mind off of things. i wonder what tomorrow will hold. i want to go back to buffalo. i'm 21 years old and still posting in a live journal. i should get a notebook so i don't have to be so vague. rocky votolato is awesome. merica.

Wed, 16 Jul 2008 03:55:13 GMT

i just typed about 3 paragraphs detailing what i've done with my life for the past two weeks and erased it because it's fucking boring and who cares? i don't necessarily. i was there.

life is good. it could be great, i think? it could be way worse, it could be way way worse. my weekend was kind of nothing short of amazing. maybe i'm over exaggerating? but i don't think so. it's funny how i said last week at some point that it's easy for me to turn off my thoughts and just live in the moment, but i lied. i've had a lot of free time, so to speak, where i've been left to my own devices. plotting, scheming, analyzing, nitpicking every little facet of my life. i'll let you know when i solve the puzzle. no matter how hard i've tried today, i cannot turn off my thoughts. i got gas today, cleaned out my car, did some other maintenance bullshit, went to the gym and drummed for a while. i wanted to go see boris and torche tonight with jordan, but he didn't have any room, which is a bummer for the sole purpose that going there would've put me in a situation where i could just hang out and not think. plus, seeing torche would rule. here i am back at the computer though, thinking away.

so, the gym thing. ran for 3 miles in about 25 minutes and forced out a measly 40 push ups. now i'm drinking water and eating sunflower seeds. i need to stop getting pizza at work and stop drinking fancy/tasty beers with lots of calories, as i think that's what's killing me. i haven't really been seeing the loss in weight i would've hoped to achieve, but i haven't gotten any fatter since i've been home. i like where i'm at, i just wish i could speed up the process.

i feel like i know what i'm looking for, but i don't know how to obtain or realize it. i think that possibility doesn't actually exist. life goes on, right? i really think i'm becoming a crazy person. i need to keep busy i need to keep busy!!!! or i could confront my problems like a real human being who's not an idiot. i'll take the high road, of course.

tomorrow looks like it could be fun. thursday- tentative bug jar. friday- baseball game with dad. saturday- pissed jeans in buffalo. sunday- maybe kickball?

also, in the future. jordan, dan and i are supposed to start a band called TF Elliot, in honor of something funny that happened like 5 years ago. that name probably isn't appropriate, but this band isn't real and probably wont actually happen. the groundwork is funny though. i'm singing (like Fred Schneider) and playing drums. jordan's playing guitar or bass and dan is playing the organ. i have a funny cover picked out, hopefully we can do it.

i know there's more going on upstairs, but my shit's all jumbled, i can't remember. how unfortunate that there's people that read this, haha. speaking of which! i got a letter from cheryl today that fucking ruled, cheryl if you see this...send me your address so i can write you a letter!!!

side note, pavement, fuck yes. this is the 3rd or 4th time today that i've listened to this record.

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 03:46:39 GMT

i went to the gym late tonight because of all the bacon i had for dinner. totally worth it. i listened to can't slow down and sang along and air drummed. i can't wait until i finally just lose my balance and fall off the treadmill. LOLZ.

i packed up my drums tonight for the show tomorrow. nicks dad gave me some hihats that a crack in them. it was small enough that i could try to salvage it by drilling, but only time will tell. i've noticed that my 17" crash has sounded muffled lately too. the crack has been located. this one's a blessing in disguise, that cymbal sounds like a big of dicks being smashed with a hammer. anyways, i'm excited for the show tomorrow and nervous. i've been practicing at home by myself a lot, but i'm bound to fuck up tomorrow / get tired. i'm sure tomorrow will be 1000 degrees. there's a gross blister on my foot from playing. it looks like my thumb toe is wearing a yamika. l'chayim.

roy is the best band that no one knows exists.

Mon, 07 Jul 2008 04:48:03 GMT

it's hard to imagine thinking this, but i can't wait to go back to buffalo. that city is awful and drains me most of the time, but it's easy to run away from reality when i go there. at this point in my life, i can run away from getting a real job by going back to school and i can run away from some of my self destructive thoughts / behavior. i don't know what i'm doing. i'll be back here a year from now when i turn the emotions off in buffalo and have to sort them out when i get back to rochester.

that said, today was nice. went to the gym, had practice, watched star wars. tomorrow will be boring, as will tuesday. maybe i'll go see Wall-E.

Sun, 06 Jul 2008 06:19:43 GMT

i feel like my life has kind of been a work in progress for the past couple of years, mostly the past couple of months. i've been able to separate myself from myself and see how i think people view me and have kind of been trying to change how i act as a result of that. slowly but surely, i think i'm getting to where i want to be. i want to be more outgoing when it matters. i need to be more outgoing when it matters. i need to surprise myself. it's difficult, but i realize the things i do that might be lame are actually pretty lame. sometimes though, things just fall apart and i'm left analyzing and getting a headache. i have this kind of goal of a perfect version of myself, with the impurities i'm aware of being things of the past. i know this is an impossible feat, but i'm working on not being a douchebag all the time, at least. i think i'm hating less and less. i mean, some things just can't prevent themselves from being hated/disliked, but i've been learning to keep my mouth shut when i need to. i guess i just have to hope for people close to me to keep calling me on my shit so i can figure it out.

life has been pretty good this weekend, i've done a lot of hanging out with people and been pretty active / busy. going back to work on monday is going to suck. dasha has a show on wednesday that i'm really excited/nervous about. with my luck, my arms will tense up and i'll play like an idiot. we'll see, i guess. nick, chris and i bought some sweet outfits today, but i don't know if we'll wear them. probably not. mostly because it's not halloween, but also because we look like fools.

i think i was out in the sun for too long today. sigh.

Sun, 22 Jun 2008 17:57:18 GMT

today, hung over, i rode my bike to the beach and back. it was about 13 miles i think, not bad for essentially my first time biking since i was like 15. it was funny, on the way there, i went down a big ass hill that i just couldn't handle all of, so i had to walk my bike up part of the way. on my way back, as i coasted down the same hill i saw an old couple, i'm talking like 60+, making that hill their bitch. i've never felt more out of shape and lazy in my entire life.

i came home and played drums. i've done it a bunch today and yesterday. it feels fucking great and i'm sweating a lot. it's fun to see the patterns on my shirt afterwards.

that said, i feel like shit. my brain is pounding pounding pounding. last night was fun and weird, just because i was drunk in a foreign place, for the most part, with people i didn't necessarily know that well. i think i got along alright though and didn't make too much of an ass of myself. except for that whole 'wishing i was dead' thing i've got working right now, of course.

work is monday, obviously...i'm fucking dreading it already. most of the other interns think i'm an idiot, rightfully so i guess. i make a lot of bad jokes / dumb ironic comments on purpose, with all of them thinking i'm serious. i should just stop talking to them or something.

today has potential to be fun. i'm meeting some people i haven't seen in a long time at some point later today, but in the meantime, i think i might just go hang out in the city somewhere. i've decided that if i can find Pinkerton on LP, i'm going to buy it no matter how much it costs, which will probably be upwards of 30 dollars. maybe i'll try to do that.

i'm so so so so so so lost right now. i just want (need?) to punch a hole in the wall.

Sat, 14 Jun 2008 06:35:26 GMT

i honestly have no fucking clue, the perks of being a townie. mark kozelek is neat or something. drunk. lewis black isn't funny.

Sat, 07 Jun 2008 06:36:08 GMT

uncle tupelo is awesome. i've been wanting to listen to this all day / week, but forget to. i'm sneezing a lot. i'm more inebriated than i should be, but fuck it who cares. this was a weird week for me. i needed some drinking. i had a lot of tasty beer at the bar tonight that did a lot of damage. namely, the optimizer, from germany. it's cheap and has 7.3% alcohol. who cares? i do, it was delicious. i have things on my mind, but don't know what to do with them. blah. uncle tupelo.

Tue, 13 May 2008 04:42:05 GMT

all of my worries from a month ago have been DESTROYED. i got the job and i got into grad school. fuck the world. i start work on monday and i start grad school in the fall. thanks to any/everyone that gave me any words of encouragement and such, it definitely helped me deal with it.

i had the whole graduation ceremony yesterday, it was long, even my parents and grandparents were bored. chuck shumer talked, which was pretty cool. seems like a solid guy. my dad is really proud of me, which makes me feel good. i know he's not good at communicating feelings and all of that, but i guess i'm not that good either. i was supposed to hang out with some people in buffalo last night that i was looking forward, but my plans fell through. i stayed over and wrapped up all my bullshit (picked up a test that i thought i bombed but didn't actually bomb, change of grade form for the class i got a D in last year and got a B in this year and picked up a book i left in a class) and turned in my apartment key. booooooring.

i had to get a mouth guard for sleeping because i've been grinding my teeth the past 6 months and the ol' squares have moved noticeably, kind of a bummer about the movement, but i'm stoked about the nerdery of a mouthpiece.

tonight mitch and i drank some beers and watched tv. it's a good time hanging out with him legitimately. it's kind of funny the ways we've both changed since high school / the band and such.

sleeping is going to suck tonight because i just spent 5 minutes trying to find the spider i think i saw move across my ceiling. i'd probably give up a testicle right now to know where that bastard is so i can give him the kleenex treatment. bugs / spiders are easily the worst thing to exist on the planet.

i have more to type, but knowing that homeboy spider could touch my finger / arm at any point makes me paranoid and furious, so i'm going to bed.

GROSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Thu, 24 Apr 2008 00:11:02 GMT

i haven't been this lost in a while. still haven't heard back from graduate school or that job. i have no idea what i'm doing this summer. ideally, i'd stay in buffalo and just get tested for drugs and make bank, but that's not really ideal, assuming i'd even qualify. i'm going to take a field trip down there tomorrow to see if i can sign up for one.

i haven't been drinking a lot, as in, i got drunk this weekend, but haven't been drunk since my incident at the bar, which was almost a month ago. one time in the better part of a month isn't so bad. i've really grown to like the taste of pale ales and i just kind of always want one. not a lot, just like one or two a day. this is probably not good, it's a good thing i'm too lazy to go to the store. i got a little too drunk this weekend, but nothing bad happened, so i can't complain, i just started feeling weird, self conscious, self loathing and there was some rampant over analysis. this hasn't let up, which leads me to where i'm at, even though i have no idea where that is. i just kind of look back on the decisions i've made, the way i act, the way i am to people, the way i present myself over the past 4 years or so and i'm pretty disappointed, mostly with how i've been lately. any time i see a bit of my dad start to surface in my actions and tone, i know it's time for a change, i just hope i'm able to do it.

sigh.

that said, dasha had a show on friday in rochester that i feel went pretty well. we only got to play 4 songs, but 4 is more than 0. i haven't had this much fun playing in a band in a long time. we're all on a similar page as to what our aspirations are (minimal, where i like them) and it's just fun playing. it was good to see some old faces.

Wed, 02 Apr 2008 21:24:32 GMT

i just found out that i got wait listed for grad school. because i didn't think it'd be that big of a deal to get into, it was the only school i applied to. i didn't want to leave buffalo because i'm so used to it. 3 and a half years of lazily maintaining a 3.24, mild alcoholism and sloth have finally caught up with me. i tip my hat to you, college. at least i had some fun in there...right? granted, i still have a chance of getting in, i don't like my odds. my mom is going to be wicked bummed when i tell her this.

i'm also waiting to hear back from a job interview i had over spring break. dude sent me an email last week saying that the logistics would be figured out by this week. assuming i get the job, they're going to be bummed to hear i didn't get into grad school, as what they do there is directly related to what i'd be going to graduate school for. plus, i'm supposed to be living with tron and two of his friends next year at an awesome house not in the heights and for wicked cheap. i should've buckled down, learned some theory and went to school for music.

things had been going pretty smoothly up until the past couple of weeks, i guess shit was destined to take a turn into doodoo territory. i should be thankful that these are the worst problems i have, but this is just a bummer.

fuuuuuuuck.

Sat, 12 Jan 2008 20:16:48 GMT

i go back to school tomorrow, well back to buffalo...i can't really say if i'm looking forward to it or not. every semester starts off the same, me trying to get back into my groove, trying to find things to do with my time and i just end up in front of the ole' idiot box, this one, not the tv. this will be my last semester. i'm going to have a college degree in 5 months. it seems like just yesterday i was being miserable as a senior in high school, waiting for that shit to end. i kind of long for those days now. i don't know where the fuck i'm going. maybe the college system has changed over the years and this is what it is now, but i don't know shit about chemistry or biology that i couldn't figure out by watching the discovery channel or spending a couple of hours on wikipedia. i haven't been taught to think for myself, i've been taught to remember things. in this field of study, i need to be a thinker, not someone that regurgitates what i've been told. people don't advance in their careers by doing what they're told, they make shit happen. because of this fact, i'm frightened for my life.

that horrifying thought aside...this was a good break. i was smart to keep my distance from certain people and i'm glad that now i'm going back to buffalo, i can keep it up. i met some new friends and became better friends with some people.

i just got the new Paint It Black and the new Cursed full lengths and neither are let downs. i should probably order both of them. Dan Yemin is probably one of the most consistent musicians on the planet. Lifetime, Kid Dynamite and Paint it Black are 3 awesome bands with hardly any bad songs, just sayin.

one more thing i've noticed: i'm only speechless when it doesn't matter

Tue, 08 Jan 2008 04:56:24 GMT

i've realized that i generally make really bad decisions. not bad, just stupid. stupid stupid stupid. not anything recently, just over the years. you live, you learn i guess.

I don't think my frequency is coming in. My connections aren't connecting

Mon, 07 Jan 2008 04:41:41 GMT

i still have about a week left of my break, but it feels like it's coming to a close. i still haven't completed my grad school application like i wanted to, but aside from that i've been relatively productive. i've worked a decent amount and i've done a ton of shit musically that i didn't think i would actually get to:

1. wrote new songs for dasha
2. started new band with roy erik and adam
3. sister fister completing 3 songs

i still haven't spent as much time with some people as i would have liked, but i guess i still have a week and if not, oh well... being home really makes me appreciate my friends. this is redundant, but whatever. i'm just not looking forward to going back to school next week. I'm taking Biochem, Anthro Genetics, Developmental Bio, Sociology and retaking P-Chem. I'm mostly worried about Developmental and P-Chem. I know how I am and it scares me because i've finally accepted that i am a lazy fuck who doesn't do any of the changes that i claim i will make. I am lazy. lazy. Hanging out with terry and his dad tonight watching the american gladiators and having terry's dad make fun of me because of all the useless info i know was a serious wake up call. i need a fucking hobby or something, or a girlfriend. WAIT A SECOND...MAYBE I COULD ACTUALLY DO SCHOOL WORK.

i guess i shouldn't sweat this, like i said, i've got another week, but i already feel myself going through the motions of "oh i'm going to do this differently...or that...oh yeah, definitely that..." i do have a car this semester though, so maybe i'll hang out with new friends outside of awkwardly chatting on campus.

i have work tomorrow. i've actually taken to liking it this time around. those other idiots aren't home from college, so it's just me and the full timers. plus my idiot boss got transferred, so i'm just kind of chilling out and learning about how to "hustle" and the like from my boy Hector.

at any rate, i can't complain and i don't want to. i do wish i could read minds though.

Tue, 01 Jan 2008 17:55:37 GMT

my new years was kind of a bummer. the plans that had been set in stone for about a month fell apart because of one person. i would've rather gone to a bunch of random places and did things, but hey. it's just one night, but still. expectations are a bad idea because let downs are too much of a possibility.

Thu, 15 Nov 2007 05:44:43 GMT

buffalo is draining me. getting out of town this weekend should be good soley based on principle. there are some cool people here, but i don't get to see them as much as i'd like to. i need to break the cycle i've got working. this place is making me boring. maybe i've been boring all along, but i don't really think thoughts, i've just kind of been a zombie who eats sleeps goes to class and sits his fat zombie ass in front of the computer.

gahhh. i'd really like to meet some people that i can hang out with.