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[31 Aug 2009|12:39am] [ music | red house painters- old ramon ] my life hasn't been mine for the past 8 months. i wish i could do one thing without analyzing the hell out of it. the amount of grey hair on my head seems to be exponentially increasing. my fear of becoming a haggard looking 25 year old at the age of 40 seems to be opening a window sooner than i had expected. i just wish i could go to bed without worrying. i've gone to bed some nights without any worries, but i've been drunk those nights and said "fuck my worries". i realize that i am the cause of every last one of my worries, but actually trying to tackle them and be an adult about them is something i'm proving to be quite terrible at. bad decision after bad decision and so on forever and ever. i tell myself periodically about how i need to get my shit together, but it's hard to even think about motivation when the situation you're in has beaten you down so much. i realize my problems aren't shit in the grand scheme of actual problems, but they're my problems. it's been brought to my attention that i'm more of an asshole than i thought. i was under the impression that i had been toning it down as of late. apparently not. which is sad. i think i'm going grey because of how much i stress about the simplest social interactions, most of the time considering not being an asshole. my life is so much simpler when i want it to be. i used to say whatever i felt like. a lot of people didn't like me then, but i wasn't worried about offending anyone. sure, it's rude and uncalled for, but people aren't as compassionate as i'm giving them credit for. why should i give a fuck about their feelings? i have a lot of trade-offs that need to be considered in order to get back to that. not being free, being an asshole, but looking out for number 1. my life is infinitely more relaxed when i don't consider the concept of myself meaning anything to anyone. the tommy of yesteryear was flying solo and he was more than content with it. i just don't know. i've never felt the way i feel right now, day in and day out. like i said, i want it to stop and i know what i have to do in order to stop it. trade offs. i can feel the grey's pushing their way through right now. i just wish work and school would blow up, so i could quietly back out and do something else. school starts tomorrow. welcome back, academic anxiety. i missed you. 2 +.

[22 May 2009|07:47am] too hot outside. i feel like absolute shit. +.

[11 May 2009|03:50pm] so many thoughts in my head right now and nothing to do with them. 2 +.

[07 Apr 2009|10:17am] [ music | pissed jeans- hope for men ] where to begin. rat mask had a show on friday. it was kind of weird seeing people i haven't seen in a long time, it was nice, but weird. it went OK, nothing too terrible. i can't play fast like i used to, my arms get all swollen and sausage-y. i brought my drums back with me though, so the idea is to set them up and practice, once the basement stops getting flooded. although, i'm definitely not thrilled about all of the bugs in the basement getting inside my drums and crawling on me. that probably wont happen, but i saw a centipede down there in september. saturday was pretty solid too. did a lot of hanging with the bonawitz's, took dan back to buffalo, played scrabble, bed etc. for the past week or so, i've been freaking out about this presentation i had to give yesterday. i really should have started working on it much earlier, but i had kind of a busy week the week prior, whatever, excuses, blah blah blah. either way, i normally have panic attacks whenever i have to open my mouth in class, even if it's to say my name. thanks to the UB science departments, i've developed some awesome social anxiety. there are so many things that i need to tell tommy circa 2004. so naive, so dumb. anyways, the presentation went well for the most part. i fucked up a couple of times and gave weirdo commentary on said fuck ups, which would be funny to see right now. i gave the presentation to my advisor jenny before hand and she told me that the presentation aspect of it was perfect, i just left out some information, which was so fucking reassuring. i think that's what did it. anyways, to celebrate, i went to the sad house, where mike had all kinds of wonderful beers waiting for me. i remembered last night why i drank so much last semester. it doesn't always work out that way, but sometimes when i get some beers in me after a long day, i get numb. i'm not thinking anything, i'm just sitting back and enjoying the ride. no stress. i was feeling great, then i went outside to find the ground covered in snow. somehow, my car door got stuck in the lock position, so i couldn't close it. luckily matt was able to fix it for me this morning. once i become aware of anything, it goes to shit. second guessing every movement, every thought, every word. i just second guessed the fuck out of that last sentence. i feel as though i've been too concise lately. dan and i had a conversation the other day about being able to turn off your thoughts. i absolutely love this idea, it just seems impossible to me. it's just funny to think how i just wanted to be done with that presentation, because after that, my thoughts would all come together and i wouldn't be so confused. here i am, less than 24 hours later, already feeling like shit. it's also funny how i look to the future for better things, i think i said this in my last entry... "things will be better when..." but the more i think about it, most of the time, i look back on points in time and say "hey, that was a simpler time". i was usually unaware and happy. this is a foreign kind of unhappiness i guess. i need to adapt. expectations/potential ideas are the most destructive thing in my world. i just hate not knowing what i don't know, which most of the time turns out to be everything. diarrhea mouth/thoughts. turn it off, turn it off. anyways, i'll figure it out, or something. i bought pavement- crooked rain, crooked rain on vinyl on sunday. i'm pretty satisfied with the purchase. i listened to the B-side earlier today. i listened to that record all summer, so it was weird to hear gold soundz, look outside and see white. that said, listening to pissed jeans-hope for men right now. this band can seriously do no wrong. they're playing in buffalo and syracuse, at mohawk and the westcott respectively. i'm not sure if i'm trying to go to both shows. i have a feeling that the syracuse environment would be waaaaaay better. ie. on the floor, not at mohawk, not in buffalo. 5 +.

[02 Apr 2009|01:33pm] i don't think i'll ever grasp the concept of time and i hate what it does to me +.

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